He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
