I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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