when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
