just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
