I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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