I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
