u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
