New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
