I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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