Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
