I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
