I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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