Have you finally orgasmed yet?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I will be naked everywhere
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
