Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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