I feel great
I just peed on a car
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
