dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
honey bunches of taint.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
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