I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
She said her name was "party"
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
