The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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