Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
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