He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
