I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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