I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
