Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
