Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
