I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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