i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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