I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Send help, water and tortillas.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
