last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
