bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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