So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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