She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
