mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
