I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
