Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
