Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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