College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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