so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
