he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
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