Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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