just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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