I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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