before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
