was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
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