i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
