The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
