He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
