I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
This house was built for laser tag.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Randomize
