My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Randomize
