By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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