if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
